when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
