Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
