life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
