to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
