I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
