I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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