I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
