thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
