and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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