Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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