Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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