Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
be right there i have to get my cape
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
