dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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