I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
