Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
