I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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