I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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