If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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