I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
