I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
