The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
