God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
