Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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