I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
