filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We are all done wearing pants today
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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