i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
