my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize