Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
