Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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