God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
