Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
