High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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