you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
