4 words: hood of his car
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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