please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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