you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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