I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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