Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
