Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
