I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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