well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
