i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
