I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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