Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
