i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
