When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
