At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
