I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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