there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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