The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
