I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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