You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
