let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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