You made me cry and you don't even care
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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