I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
