my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
