I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
