im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
