chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize