I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
