I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
