When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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