my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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